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I need a keyboard shortcut for "sorry it`s taken me so long to reply to your text..."
Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.
Hey! Did any of you see my........ Oh ! Never mind... :D How much of you said that before? heee heee hee!
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
I`m painting a blue square in my garden, so that Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you`ll get what you want.
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up... In 30 minutes? in 3 hours? in 9 years?? no one can be sure
I can bench 250 lbs. And by that, I mean, I can sit myself down on a bench in a local park.
I was bitten by a mosquito last night. Bet that little bastard is pretty hung-over today
Give a man a fish and he`ll go to McDonald`s instead. Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald`s
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Here`s to all the kids who have never found their name on anything in a souvenir store
Someone just asked me if I was `happily` married. Single people are adorable.