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It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced [hah hah fuhk yoo]!!
Laughter is the best medicine but if you are laughing without any reason, I think you need medicine
My weekends are basically just spent splitting a bloomin` onion with my bros at Outback Steakhouse while trying to figure out why girls don`t like us.
My 6yo`s homework today is learning how to count backwards. Yep, that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
When my dog sniffs another dog`s poop I can only assume that it`s their equivalent to checking a friend`s facebook page.
You look like I need another drink
There are people in life you could NEVER get tired of hitting with a shovel!!!
I`m beginning to think that my destiny in life is just to be a bad example that other people can learn from.
I get as much action as a white crayon.
Government Shutdown: Day Three Jellystone Park still closed. Still no pic-a-nic baskets. Yogi stares at Boo-Boo... Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Some days the only thought that stops me from being Dexter...is that I am WAY too pretty to go to prison
Ladies, wonder if he`s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it”
My chemistry teacher asked us what the heaviest metal was today. Apparently "Megadeath" was the wrong answer.
I wonder if Brazil has a wax museum?