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I`m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn`t incorporated into more American Holidays.
i joined new gym yesterday. i did 3 sets of selfies on each machine
I send more time looking for porn than actually watching it.
Just saw a guy with a Support Dyslexia bumper sticker on the front of his car.
Zombies only eat brains. You’re safe.
Don´t call me crazy. I much prefer the term "mentally hilarious"
I`d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
The number of lies told by men would decrease significantly if women stopped asking questions
A homeless guy just asked me for money, and I almost gave it to him, but then I thought... he`s just going to use it for alcohol, and then I thought... That`s what I`m going to use it for.
If you see a girl or guy post pictures of their cat you know they`re single.
If you pour two beers into one glass, it becomes just one beer.
Thanks, autocorrect. I`m sure she`s dying to know about my huge peninsula.
I Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing
A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you “I’m drunk” is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying “I’m delicious”
My dance moves are somewhere between “dog being shocked by an electric fence” and “squirrel crossing the road.”