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I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
condoms prevent minivans
I make way more decisions than I should based on the battery life of my phone.
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a guy who has been single for longer than 6 months.
If my "check engine" light would check my wallet, it would know there`s nothing I can do about it.
I`m not lying, I`m just making the story better.
Why isn’t our beer color coordinated for all holiday occasions, instead of just St. Patricks Day?
Can’t wait till I’m old and I can play the ‘fall asleep’ card in awkward situations.
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as Kraft singles?
They say that money talks, but mine just waves goodbye.
Reason number 347 why I hate Facebook: A guy from high school posted 11 new photos all with the caption "me"
Thank god we don`t send messages with pigeons anymore. Where would I find 200 pigeons every day?
Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night.
Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family?
I heard recently on the radio that, "If a man looks at womens breasts for 10 mins a day he will add 5 years to his life".. Can anyone confirm this?!! If so what are we waiting for?