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Calm down, take a deep breath and hold it for about 20 minutes.
This skinny girl just told me she "forgets" to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it`s contagious.
Somebody is out there, somewhere, thinking of the impact you`ve made in their life. It`s not me. I think your an idiot.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don`t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
Dear Alcohol, Will you be my valentine? ?
A poem about me: I hate mornings. I wish I was drunk. The End.
I work out ... Just kidding, I take naps.
I was planning to do something today, but I haven’t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to... Husband: Do you mean with other people?
Never make eye contact while eating a banana
What do the letters DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association
Never date someone that works for your cell phone provider. Just sayin
Why can`t life be as easy as I am?
Spruce up your weeknight: run the dishwasher and imagine you`re on a cruise!
the only way I know something is bad for me is if I like it