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How do they put the "do not walk on the grass" signs up?
The hardest thing about returning to work after a long weekend is remembering to fart quietly.
If I didn`t procrastinate, I probably wouldn`t do anything at all.
Those Box Tops that raise money for schools really should be on wine labels and cases of beer.
Got kicked out of Ziggy`s. " supposably" your not allowed to stand on their scales. Says I broke them. On the brighter side I weigh 135900 grams
A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down, unless that medicine is insulin.
to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I`ve been turned into a parrot!"
When your wife`s in labour, never sneak a look at the business end; it`s like watching your favourite pub burn down.
She said she was stripping to feed her kids but then got pissed when I started throwing canned goods at her
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
You know it`s a really good bar when there`s a couple outside breaking up.
Mornings are the best when they start in the afternoon.
Hey NSA... I accidentally deleted an email... Can I get you to forward me your copy?
What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire.
If Facebook has taught us anything, it`s that a lot of people are not quite ready for a Spelling Bee.