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Hey movie villains - make a bomb where the wires are all one color.
New day, same old bullsh!t
This donut scented car freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
I`ve just been hit in the head with a werthers, and I thought........... That`s original!!!
Stalin should have known communism doesn`t work. There were red flags everywhere.
Unless you tripped and smacked your face on the treadmill, no one wants to hear about your workout.
I will stop loving you, when Spongebob gets his driving license.
Judging by all of the cologne and shower sets I got for Christmas either people know I like to smell good or I am failing at it.
I can`t help but feel important when someone says there`s a special place in hell for people like me.
Trust me, I am a liar.
Girls, dont read this please: Hey guys, isn`t it funny how our wives/or girlfirends really think that we care what they did that day? lol.....it never gets old.
Baby.. I wanna be the reason you need therapy.
Kim and Kanye have been married WAY longer then I expected.
I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.
Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is police.