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I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.
"Ho, Ho, Ho!" -Santa Claus/Pimp, doing a head count.
I party like a Rockstar. A very poor Rockstar who isn`t in a band anymore.
If you guys could read my mind! It would be all like; " "
Pretty much always 3-5 seconds away from just laying down wherever I am.
I`m leaving my body to science because even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
My kids are always accusing me of having a "favorite child" which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
Here`s a joke for all you mind readers...
I’ve got bad news: Today is not Friday, Tomorrow is not Friday, Even the day after tomorrow is not Friday.
I`m too lazy to ever write a biography. Story of my life.
Why is it never opportunity that`s knocking? Instead, it`s usually cops with a warrant...
Hell hath no fury like a hungry me.
So Stevie Wonder is going to become father to triplets next year. I guess he didn`t see that coming...
That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.
I’m the type of person who looks at the menu for five minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.