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I just passed the local college and saw 3 very fit young ladies with very tight yoga pants walking to class...I have never been so motivated to return to college.
Driving with your gas tank door open is the equivalent to having your zipper down.
To whoever finds the $20 I dropped last night: spend it on alcohol. It`s what I would have wanted.
Why do bras and batteries come in the same sizes?
Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
A night of insomnia is usually followed by a morning of browser history clearing
Cheers, to judging people who spell words wrong in their statuses.
Your shadow: What happens when light travels 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet by you.
Don`t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.
A real friend is someone who knows how damn crazy you are... But is still willing to be seen out in public with you.
Rump roast is called rump roast because nobody would eat it if it was called cow`s ass
Why do pickup truck commercials think it`s very important that I`m able to tow a plane?
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,408 hours. About the same as a common Monday on Earth.