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People, like prescription drugs, should have to list the side effects they`re likely to cause.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers off the plane.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throw away ANYTHING, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican drug lord..
Adulthood is like losing your mom in the grocery store for the rest of your life.
Just found a shopping list in this cart that said, "Beer, wine, crap like that", so apparently my soulmate is still out there.
Just had workplace violence training. It`s like HR doesn`t even care about the first rule of fight club.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who can not be handled by his parents anymore.
You know you`re non-domesticated when the only reason you finally transfer the dishes from the sink to the dishwasher is so you can gain access to the garbage disposal.
Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me all like, “Whoa! That was close!”
I`ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
This status update contains many of the same words that appear on Pulitzer Prize winning novels.
She’s thinking about having beer pong at her reception… that’s walking a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
As long as I remind myself "The b!tch had it coming" is not a valid court defense, I`ll be ok