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I`m not sure if life is passing me by or trying to run me over.
In sign language, arthritis is a speech impediment.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it`s like excuse me, I`m working here.
If you want to preview of the new iPhone 8 and try it out for free before buying it just look at your iPhone 7 and pretend it cost several hundred dollars more.
Iām giving up on the silent treatment. ...Going to start talking to myself again.
I dare you to spit on this status.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
A Relationship is like poker, if you don`t have a partner you better have a good hand.
More people would drink responsibly if there was a brand of beer named Responsibly.
"Omg. Why does this store have so many naked pictures of me?"... "Sir those are mirrors, and we`re gonna have to ask you to leave."
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It`s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
The problem with this generation? The cartoons suck.
I wish there was a room where we could go and see all the stuff we have ever lost.
Being a woman should count as a pre-existing mental condition.
Why is "Pissed" an expression of being upset? I`ve never been so mad that I pee`d myself.