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some people just need a high-five......in the face......with a chair!
Dear therapist, I might actually come see you if your job title didn`t spell out “the rapist” Sincerely, not lying down.
All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now.
Statistics say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. Does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
There`s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
OMG ... I hate waiting in lines ... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect already.
I`m as conflicted as a strip club addict with a glitter allergy.
I don`t plan anything as well as I plan which alcoholic beverage I`m going to consume once I leave work.
Always remember, it`s better to arrive late than to arrive ugly.
I told you a million times do not exaggerate!
When asked how I take my coffee, I reply with, "Seriously. Very seriously."
I`m going to clean my house today and by clean I mean I`m drinking vodka and spraying Febreze everywhere.
My wife told me I have to quit playing poker all the time but I think she`s bluffing...
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancee by the way he hasn`t murdered her
No really I`m fine, I have drugs and alcohol to block out reality, but thanks anyway...