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This Donut-Scented Car Air Freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Sorry that most of my hilarious jokes are borderline inappropriate. And by sorry, I mean you`re welcome.
Wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? lol jk, there`s no pizza
This rough sex would have been a lot better if I wasn`t alone.
Dont judge a person by the color of their skin or by the content of their character but by the shape of their eyebrows
Does Facebook have a “You’re not smart enough to be talking about politics” button?
I`m reading a book on anti-gravity. It is impossible to put down.
Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
my boss told me to start the presentation with a joke,so I showed my payslip.
I don`t understand why people want a relationship when there`s pizza.
It`s ok to admit when you`re wrong. Just don`t tell anyone.
Car commercials make driving around in empty parking structures look fun and normal and not suspicious or kidnappy.
Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone’s front porch.
The only rule of the Chess Club is to hide from the Fight Club.