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So exhausting to have my life changed for the better every time someone posts a screenshot of a famous quote.
Roses are red, dead ones are black, why is your chest as flat as your back?
I have this talent of getting tired without doing nothing.
If kidnapping is a federal offense, then why is marriage legal?
The ideal man doesn`t smoke, doesn`t drink, doesn`t do drugs, doesn`t swear, doesn`t get angry, doesn`t exist
People who have more than 10 items in the express line… We see you and we are judging you.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means
Sometimes I want to comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08' album at 4am.
Johnny : Pull my finger Tommy : No Johnny: "Come Bro Do IT!!" Tommy : fine ... Johnny : *SNEEZE IN THE FACE*
COCKADOODLEDOOOOOO!!!!
Why are there no owls here? I Was lead to believe there would by owls here. #hooters
Since light travels faster than sound, isn`t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
When I bang my toe against something it`s like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know
I did a terrible job preparing for my Blue Man Group audition and boy is my face red
The term "chubby chasers" is so inaccurate and misleading. Cause we don`t run.