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Alcohol won’t solve your problems, but neither does milk or orange juice.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I can not change.
"Thanks for coming" - sperm bank receptionist.
Did you know, the designated driver is usually the guy having the most luck with the ladies.
Whenever I try cleaning my room I either end up making a bigger mess, or just playing with the stuff I thought I lost.
"Dora" only rhymes with "Explorer" if you`re from Long Island, New York
I`m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you`re innocent".
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it`s AM. Google thinks I`ve got my life together.
My life is based on a true story
A cop just pulled me over and said papers - so I said scissors, I win and drove off.
That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off, and you wonder why bad things happen to good people.
If Wal-Mart ends up selling mortgages, the trailer market will explode.