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New day, same old bullsh!t
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Girls are funny creatures. They hate it when you ask their age but will kill you if you forget their birthday.
My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs by the end of summer... I`ve only got 40 lbs to go.
What do they give the person that has everything? antibiotics
That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there`s no milk. So you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?
Women who say the quickest way to a man`s heart is through his stomach, have not seen his browser history.
It’s only Wednesday and I’m 95% done with this week.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Guys, if she says she’s crazy, she’s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
Some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk & some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk.
If they made a movie of my life, it would just be a lot of scenes where I`m looking for something to wipe my hands on.
DO NOT expect a "Bless You" after your 3rd sneeze. Get that sh!t under control.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not dogs with rabies though. Or killer bees or pretty much any domesticated animal into the wild. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don`t love anything.
Girls here`s an idea, instead of spending all that money on makeup. Just buy your guy a bottle of Jack Daniels.