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I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
Going to drink straight from the carton because I`m a badass!
I have OCD and ADD, so everything must be perfect..but not for very long.
So, all theses years I thought it was the dyer making my shirts not fit. now I`m pretty sure it the refrigerator.
Because of tanning beds, 1000 years from now archaeologists will think we used to fry people as punishment.
Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call……
Sometimes what sounds like opportunity knocking is actually disappointment leaving a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep.
I`ve never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.
This is the only comment you should be leaving on porn sites: “Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken.”
I`ve had enough of my neighbours blasting their music from their backyard. I`m not annoyed cause it`s so loud, i`m annoyed cause they`re Korean & they`ve still yet to play Gangnam Style!
Next time you`re in a hospital elevator, calmly ask a stranger if they know what floor you should get off at for infectious diseases.
You really are the cat`s pajamas, and by that I mean you`re a stupid idea.
The one thing you can always count on is your fingers.
Breast awareness month: we stare because we care
If everyone would just be naughty next year, Santa would bring us all coal ... energy crisis solved!