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Such a relief when things I`ve been meaning to do become things I meant to do but now it`s too late.
When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
I removed my windshield wipers and now I don`t get parking tickets. Suck it meter maids!
Why can`t my coworkers just play on the Internet like normal people instead of trying to engage me in conversation.
Apparently a new study shows that unattractive men make better mates. Nice try, ugly scientists.
Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That`s not lazy, that`s proactive.
I hate those new parents who do the `baby talking`, yes I do, yes I do...
My first crush was in kindergarten. I instantly knew I was doomed when she colored Neatly and Perfectly inside every line with a smug, superior smile
Girl says to her Blonde friend, I slept with a Brazilian man last night. The Blonde replies: OMG you SLUT! How many is a Brazilian??
So long pants! See you Monday!
I`ve been told I`m doing exceedingly well in my exaggeration therapy class, I think it`s because I`ve been giving it 180 percent.
I always dress up when I try to cook. The odds of me starting a fire are pretty high and I want to make sure I look good for the firemen.
Society: Be yourself. Society: No not like that
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night…he hypnotized 7 guys…then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled F*CK ME ... what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life
The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink.