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I’m going to start wearing a whistle around my neck, so I can call penalties on people who piss me off.
I wonder what “don’t touch” is in Braille....
I want to meet myself from someone else’s point of view.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at chocolate cake.
Who let the owls out?? Don`t sing the chorus you`ll make it worse.
Ladies, how do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket? Quick, she`s coming.
I hate sharing popcorn with someone at the cinema and our fingers touch. Especially if I don`t know them, and they don`t know we`re sharing.
Calling your girlfriend by her Moms name during a fight is a great way to escalate the situation.
Whenever I`m out somewhere there is a 99% chance I am thinking about going home and sleeping.
Fun Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
In a 500-day period I could theoretically meet someone, get married, have a baby, and get divorced–and yet I’d still be using the same box of Q-tips.
I`ve heard that men that are married live longer, but i`ve also heard that men that have sex live longer. Anybody know which one of them is true?
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
It`s not you, it`s me. I just don`t like myself when I`m around you.
When I text someone and they don`t text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from the excitement.