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If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
When people tell me "You`re gonna regret that in the morning"...I sleep in till noon, because I`m a problem solver.
I`ve been having really bad headaches lately. The doctor said they were all in my head.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
I`m always extra nice to the weird kid, so one day he`ll spare my life when he finally snaps.
Roses are red, Facebook is blue, no mutual friends, who the F#%K are you?
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail…
Its amazing how much more tolerable thanksgiving with the family becomes after the 5th cocktail…
All alcohol will make my clothes fall off… tequila just makes that happen in public.
I`m no mathlete, but I CAN tell you that a 6 y/o running at 8 mph chasing an ice cream truck moving at 10 mph flies 7.4 ft if you trip him.
Life is different in Christian frats: “You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.” “Way to save it for marriage, bro.” *fist bump*
Heard Justin Bieber got arrested for drag racing. Sure it`s dangerous, but surely it isn`t against the law to run in high heels...
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the shit out of you.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I`m at her place showing her how to open it.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.