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One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don`t want to do.
The larger the implants, the more likely she’ll be confused by a push/pull door.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about sh!t ...?
Here`s how I gained 27lbs of muscle in 5 weeks: Lying.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
My dad`s TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
Even this posting will offend some people, hopefully.
I never give money to bums because a.) They probably make more money than I do. b.) They work from home. c.) They get to drink on the job.
Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
"Latte" is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza.
PRO TIP: If you walk around the mall hitting kids in the face with the shopping bags, your wife won`t make you carry them.
I like to say "Do I smell popcorn?" right after I fart ..that way everyone quickly takes a deep breathe.
How much tequila goes into mashed potatoes again?
Played Naked Twister last night and man, did it get RAUNCHY!....I can`t imagine what it would be like with other people.