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My girlfriend says I talk while I sleep... but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
At a four way stop, it`s obvious that the vehicle bearing the most duct tape goes first.
2 out of 3 isn`t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids.
I love it when the person’s laugh is funnier than the actual joke.
After meeting me... my therapist is now in therapy...
Some people are just bad news!!! Those are my favorite!
McDonald’s Management Rule #23: “The employee with the most severe accent or speech impediment must work the drive-thru at all times.”
I regret buying that straight jacket now. I thought it would look good on me but I just couldn`t pull it off...
Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.
My kids constantly yell at me whenever I try take their pictures, and I tell `em: "You`re gonna need them in 20 years for your Throw Back Thursdays updates"..... whatever!!
Divorce: Step 1: She throws all your sh!t in the street Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.
Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you.
Whether a Vacuum is on or off, it`s always collecting dust.
You`re the reason why I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to go to work.