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I don’t go to bars for the same reason I don’t grocery shop when I’m hungry. I always come home with things I didn’t need.
"I`m single and ready to mingle"..oh god, is this why I`m still single, cuz I say sh!t like that?
If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I`m in therapy to learn how to deal with people who should be in therapy
Scientist say that universe is made up of Electrons, Protons and Neutrons...They forgot to mention MORONS...
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science
The problem is not the problem, the problem is your attitude about the problem.
Dogs love you even if you’re ugly.
I overheard this guy bragging about his fancy hotel sweet. Ptttsht. They are nothing but cheap a$$ mints!
Just ONCE I`d like someone to call me "sir" without adding "this is a place of business, please put your pants back on."
Some of you ladies need to ease up on the makeup until we get this clown situation resolved.
What do we want? An end to auto-correct errors! When do we want it? Cow! Sow! Bow! Tow! Duck this...
If you watched the story of my life backwards, you`d see an incredibly inspirational story about hair growth, weight loss, and vastly improved athletic ability.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
People with no money sure do have a lot of pot.