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Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
Exercise... the poor person`s plastic surgery
I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them? Why aren`t we helping to find them?
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"
If they really want to increase breast awareness, why not try a National Motorboat Day?
Just because leggings stretch dont mean yo 465 pound a$$ should be in them!
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
Did you hear that? That was the sound of soccer being irrelevant in the US for another 4 years..
What do they give the person that has everything? antibiotics
If the river were beer and I was a duck, I would swim to the bottom and never come up..
I’M ENGAGED…..to be hungover tomorrow.
Pretty soon you`ll be able to get married online, instead of saying "I do" you will have to click "I agree to these terms and conditions."
I had a doctors appointment today. He said I was normal! See? I told you!!!
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
When I think of all the money I`ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!