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You can stop lifting weights now; it’s actually your personality that nobody likes.
Do trolls even live under bridges anymore? Or have they all relocated to the Internet?
I`m going to be very disappointed if I go to England and nobody skips to the loo.
No matter how prepared you think you are, a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands!
likes to end all my phone calls with "Ok, I`ll see you later on at the party!" and then quickly hang up. Let them figure it out.
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problems. 99% demons.
I am so thankful and grateful that out of all the planets in the universe, we live on one with pizza and vodka.
I hate when I put food in the microwave & it starts makin explosive noises so I check and it’s cold like why you gotta play me like that.
I guess not everyone at this grocery store is as comfortable with my nudity as I am. ;)
Why Am I Sober? - A Horror Story
My bucket list: 4 drumsticks, 2 thighs, 2 mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. Extra crispy.
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all ...
I always scratch off the "Plus One" option on wedding invitations are replace it with "Drinking for two"
I wonder if Monday can see my middle finger from here?