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Have you heard about the new movie called constipation? It hasn`t come out yet.
I got in an elevator with a lady with big breasts. She said could you press one for me please. I did and that was the last thing I remember
When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn`t answer the phone.
Helpful Tip: Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman`s boots...
If you believe in reincarnation then your tombstone should say “b.r.b” instead of “r.i.p”.
The first person who discovered how to make popcorn must have been like "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!"
Like a stoned man once said, I can`t remember.
Learn a lesson from your dog. No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that crap and move on.
This Halloween, the only Candy I`m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
I noticed tonight that I was the hottest cashier at the self checkout line.
If money grew on trees, Congress would actually care about the environment.
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don`t try to run her life and I don`t try to run mine.
Running away doesn`t help your problems, unless you`re fat. Then yeah, run away.
Sometimes when you first meet someone you just know you want to spend the rest of your life ... Avoiding them