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I don’t hate you, I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
My friends are the type of friends that if my house was on fire, they would be over here with marshmallows and hitting on the hot fireman!
I just found out that a bucket of KFC when you`re finished with it, also doubles as a porta-potty...
No matter how bad your day seems, just remember that someone out there has to clean the bathroom at Taco Bell.
Safe words are for quitters.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren`t happy.
If people winked in real life as much as they do in texts, the world would be a really creepy place.
Life is so hard when you have twenty TV shows to watch.
Yes, that`s correct. And the horse you rode in on.
Every morning I swallow a piece of paper that says "Keep up the good work fellas!!" just in case I die and the doctors have to do an autopsy on me
I’m not in denial, I’m just selective about the reality I choose to accept :)
If banks were as fiercely regulated as McDonalds breakfast cut off time, there’d be no problems.
I quit beer every time I wake up hung over