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It`s amazing what you`ll wear in public when you`re not trying to have sex with anyone.
I don`t hate you. I just hope your next period happens while you`re in a shark tank!
Just made a bunch of money by standing outside a party and charging $3 to enter ... I don`t even know who`s party it was!
Today is "National Take Your Flask To Work Day." ... I just made it up. Tell the others.
"Lets all put our phones down and talk with each other.." - Someone who has run out of phone battery.
they say winning doesnt matter then why they had kept scores
Just one more drink and then I`m outta here" is one of my favorite lies.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
It never ceases to amaze me that the little space between the driver’s seat and the center console in my car will fit any object that can possibly be dropped, but will not fit a hand.
Love makes the world go round, but alcohol makes it go round twice as fast!
If you loose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
For over 20 years, I thought Bon Jovi gave love a Band-Aid
"What`s wrong?" "Oh it`s personal" Then, why`d you post it to Facebook.
I feel sorry for people who take everything way too seriously.
"I’m definitely going to do that tomorrow.” — Me being delusional