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People assume when I yawn that I`ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
I`m gaining weight for my role as "Before picture"
If I had a time machine I`d set it to "back in the day", just to see what everyone is talking about.
Keep your marriage fresh by writing each other love notes like "I considered smothering you with a pillow last night but didn`t."
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Today is the 1st anniversary of the end of the world. Can you believe it`s been a year since the world ended? Time sure flies when it`s the apocalypse.
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problems. 99% demons.
It`s bigger on the inside..said no woman, ever!
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
I`m in my 30`s, but I still feel like I`m in my 20`s until I hang out with people in their 20`s and I`m like, "nope, I`m in my 30`s"
My neighbors listen to some amazing music… whether they like it or not. ;)
I bet the guy at the urinal next to me is now rethinking his decision to wear flip flops today.
Waldo’s mom must be worried sick.
The fact “gorilla” does not rhyme with “tortilla” infuriates me.