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I cant remember the last time i forgot something
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase "that sucks" was coined?
When life gets you down, just remember: It’s never too early or too late for a nap.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say "pound me."
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don`t give a damn!
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that sh!t.
My friends were alway so nice. They were like "of course you`re not fat! Come on, grab two chairs and sit with us" :)
Say no to drugs! Then again, if you`re talking to drugs, you`re probably already on drugs.
Capitalization can really change a sentence. Example: I love to eat candy ... I love to eat capitalization.
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it.
How come there`s never enough dirt to refill the hole even after you`ve put the body in? Asking for a friend
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
Shark week is over, but I`m not taking my decorations down.
My therapist recommended I quit growling at people...
Seriously, it’s almost 2014, can we please get some waterproof phones? I would like to text in the shower.