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America: Where stairs are only used for emergency escape purposes.
That awkward moment when you run into someone and there`s no where to hide
People say "Happy Thanksgiving" which is nice, but then they ruin it by saying "Don`t eat too much". Do they want me to have a Happy Thanksgiving or not?
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided, if they had built their towns big enough for another person
If everyone would stop screaming, I`m sure we`d all agree I`m not supposed to be in this women`s restroom.
Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. A broken heart makes you wiser. And alcohol makes you not remember any of that sh!t.
My wife told me I suffer from a lack of imagination. I said, "Yeah? Well you suffer from a lack of imagination." That showed her.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
When life gives you lemons....throw them back and yell, "I wanted cookies!"
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Why don`t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
I`ve run out of things to be upset about. I hope Justin Bieber has kids soon.
I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping. Unfortunately it cost me my YMCA membership.
My credit score is so bad I have started receiving pre-declined credit card offers
The Spanish version of the Subway jingle “65.63 Peso 0.3 meter largo” isn’t quite as catchy…