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I don`t ever need to go sky diving or bungee jumping. Leaving a pizza in the oven while I make a quick run to Walgreens is about all the adrenaline rush I can handle.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator, where I couldn`t reach them. Then leave chemicals right under the sink.
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not nearly as funny when you live by yourself.
the difference between people and celebreties ...... celebreties don`t have a routine
For the record when I was a kid I never wanted to be an adult.
It`s scientifically proven the more you shut up then the less likely I am to punch you in the face.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how`s your day going?
Male or female, no one f*cks with you if you put your lipstick on like The Joker.
I simply haven’t seen enough solid evidence that suggests not drinking is better than drinking.
Roasting marshmallows is great because it combines dessert and playing with fire.
"I don`t see color." - A person who shouldn`t eat snow.
I always drink responsibility I make sure that someone is responsible for buying me drinks.
It`s weird how many people at my office are named "Hey."
Buying your wife a gun is like saying. "You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise."