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A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere.
The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.
Babysitters are just teenagers who behave like adults so that adults can go out and behave like teenagers.
Reasons to get out of bed: None.
I put the "fun" in "functioning alcoholic"
Helpful Tip: You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
"I don`t trust you to not buy drugs" -people who give gift cards
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Yoga is a great way to meet and embarrass yourself in front of women
Is it just me or do mirrors look really sexy?
I Hope I can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
You´re never too old to learn something stupid.
Most people who think I`m a nice person have no idea that I`d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
I like working from home. It`s much more comfortable than sleeping in my cubicle.