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Personally, I believe that around 93% of the world`s population should run with scissors.
I swear my cat was an alarm clock in a previous life...
Is there a way to politely throw breathe mints in someone`s mouth while they`re talking?
If God is a woman then how do you explain: 1) Spiders 2) Shoes you can`t afford 3) Periods 4) Men
I`m a little stumped by this beer to pee volume ratio.
Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.
My right thumb is in the best shape of my life.
Guys I can`t be leave I`m sharing this with you, but I saw my self on TV. After I turned it off.
I declare today, “Hit that dumb person you’ve always wanted to punch in the face day.”
If you’re a millionaire and you don’t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool then you should just give me all of your money because you’re wasting it
My favorite mythical creature is the happy b*tch in tampon commercials.
The reason swans mate for life is because they don`t talk.
Buys Mega-Millions ticket. Has a better chance of being hit by lightning in a cave.
You know what I just realized that in school they teach you not to do what you don`t want to do yet they still give us homework and we get in trouble because we didn`t want to do it ( confused )