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says, I am not an alcoholic. I am a social drinker. Problem is, I socialize too much!
Matchbooks exist just to be clues in detective movies.
That`s like asking the fat guy to watch the pie.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Sometimes I take a bath because it’s hard to drink wine in the shower.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not "content creator"?
Dear YouTube, I will always “Skip this ad.”
Guys you should never overreact when you hear the words, " The babysitter is late."
Ha, SUCKA`S! I just smuggled a bag of popcorn into the movie theater. Now I just need to borrow their microwave.
There was a HUGE spider in the shower.. So I ran into the living room screaming naked.. Now my daughters` friends probably won`t be allowed over anymore..
Some mornings it`s best to just fill the sink with coffee, dunk your head in it, and suck.
Nice try, Henry Winkler, but I’m not inclined to take mortgage advice from a guy who lived above the Cunningham’s garage for like ten years.
Saw a brand new Prius totaled on my way home from work. Still had the window sticker. That would suck... Not to crash, but to drive a Prius.
When a newscaster says; "I am live at the scene with a person who witnessed the accident," what they really mean is; "Check out this douchetard we found at the scene of this crash."