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If I like you, I’ll let you hold the TV remote when we watch TV. If I love you, I won’t take the batteries out of it beforehand.
I’m not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.
Just for kicks I posted "I won the LOTTERY" on Facebook. One girl liked it, then replied to the inbox message I sent her in 2010. *Blocked*
The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and stomach pains. Kind of like when I see my wife going thru my phone.
Jealously is something you’re good at when you suck at everything else.
Me: "The only person I need in my life is you." Bartender: "Please stop trying to hold my hand."
Just in: Chinese people confirm they were just messing with us with chopsticks. "You guys look like dumb idiots lol" says one Chinese guy
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting.
I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes, “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.
Despite being a pain in the a$$, you have to admit I still bring a lot to the table.
Magician: Now I will cut the woman in half. Me: Why turn one problem into two?
If I had a dollar for every time I had a nickel.......
Life is about perspective like the sinking of the Titanic was a miracle for the lobsters in the ships kitchen
These ‘energy saving` light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.