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Change is always hard.... Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Somedays I feel like running away. Then I remember how much I hate running.
I hate that I have to put on clothes to participate in society.
whoever snuck the `s` in fast food is a clever person
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today. I sure hope they find his head.
I hate when you offer someone a sincere complement on their mustache...and then she won`t talk to you anymore.
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
I told my girlfriend I`m Harry Potter`s Godfather... She laughed hard and said "you can`t be Sirius"
My boss doesn’t like it when I play slavery songs at work….
I`m convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.
Ever notice that the first 10 seconds of a medical drug commercial is spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest basically daring you to take it?
Here’s your social security card. It’s paper & has to last you forever. Don’t laminate it. Good luck! -The Government
I will vote for Donald Trump just to hear him tell Obama he`s fired!!
I hope daylight savings time doesnt throw me off my schedule of doing nothing.