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I like candlelit dinners, long walks on the beach and hardcore pornography.
I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, boy that must have been really painful.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
A good man can make you feel sexy, strong, and able to take on the world ...Oh sorry ...That`s wine ...Wine does that.
You should always love a woman for her personality. We have so many to choose from.
It’s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
All of my selfies are just still shots from surveillance footage.
To do list- (1). Go to pet store. (2). Buy bird seeds. (3). Ask how long it will take for the birds to grow. (4). Wait for the reaction.
TIP OF THE DAY: If you can`t afford porn, just turn on tennis and shut your eyes.
I swear on this f*cking chicken I will never swear again. Oops.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to go poop after you get out of the shower.
Hey ladies, tired of your man complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"
When I was younger my dad showed me pictures of why to wear condoms during sex. The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.