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Sometimes my neighbors love my music so much that they invite the police to listen.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
My phone battery lasts longer than relationships these days
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
I tried stuff once. It was horrible.
You win some, you lose some, and if you`re lucky, you get some.
I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife "you said you wanted the biggest one right" Because I`m a great husband
"Just Be yourself" is something I rarely hear from people who know me well.
We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.
My fridge is so full of beer ... I`m going to have to drink my way back to the food or starve.
A word to the wise isn`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed. And it was great
I bet cats are mad they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Some people are too chipper early in the morning. They don`t realize how bad it is for their health.....until I`m choking them
I need a bank to do two things for me: give me a loan and leave me alone