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People assume when I yawn that I`ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
To those that manufacture and market tight, thin yoga pants to fit college girls; I love you man.
This bartender doesn`t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.
"The Ugly Duckling" has a great message. Everything in life will work itself out once you become physically attractive.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don`t have great childing skills either.
"Let`s give the bad guy a ponytail." - 80s movies
I get nervous after taking time off work, that in my absence my boss will realize how little I actually do at the office.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
It`s the little things in life that matter the most... for instance the refrigerator light, helping you to see that last beer way in the back!
YOU KNOW WHY!!!!!!!!!!
Why don`t you slip into something more comfortable, like a coma
No cowboy in the world can out draw a grandmother pulling a baby picture out of her wallet.
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead. It`s pain only for others. It`s the same thing when you are stupid.
If you love something, feed it so much that it get’s too fat for anyone else to want.