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Decided to make a life altering decision today.... When I think of it I`ll let you know
One day when I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, "Shark! Help!" And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn`t going to help him.
I mixed coffee with Red Bull today..I got half way to work when I realized I forgot my car!
Oh, he uses you for sex? Stop bitching…Sex is awesome. Complain when he’s using you for laundry….. or a human shield.
It`s weird how in England the passenger drives the car
When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life…
Time is precious. Waste it wisely.
With my background and genetics, you guys should be happy I am half as normal as I am.
I don`t call it lying down, I call it landscape mode.
Good neighbors do not put password on their wi-fi.
I don’t want to rule the world… Just everything within a hundred square mile radius.
The roof of the McDonalds in my town has 38 Pickle slices on it from times I ordered sh!t without pickles in it.
This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date, so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents` house
There are 2 kinds of coworkers. The ones who keep iPhone 5 chargers at their desks and the ones whose names I don`t know.
Mini M&M`s - for when you just can`t finish an entire M&M