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How can so many movies be “based on real events” when no one farts?
I always shout "PIZZA`S HERE" so the delivery guy doesn`t think I`m eating two pizzas by myself.
Son: "Dad, can you write in the dark?" Dad: "Uh, I think so, why?" Son: "I need you to sign my report card."
Maybe cologne should come with a two sprays a day lock on it.
Your personality needs alcohol.
good boys go to heaven bad boys go every where
My dream job would be the Karma delivery service
Saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.
Every job in the world should require their employees to enter and leave work in a Soul Train line.
Deep down I don`t believe that paper beats rock.
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s ass to fall off.
OMG!!!!! I almost went to the toilet without my phone!
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
On the plus side of 2017, the use of the words `awesomesauce` and `amazeballs` were at an all time low.
Never go on a blind date with a friend! She was so big when i took her home she went to my backyard and started grazing.