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I don`t get along with Hipster kids. Not a fan of the smell of thrift stores.
I want to cover you in expensive things…like gasoline.
I`m always tempted to yell "Kevin!" mid-flight.
OMG ... I hate waiting in lines ... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
Doing word problems as a kid has helped me in adulthood. "Dan doesn`t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?"
I feel like the majority of Eminem`s songs are just him reading from his diary with angry background music.
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, `13...13....13...13.` The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting. `14...14...14...14....
I gave my dog a middle name today, so he knows when he`s really in trouble.
I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It`s fun".
I`m not crazy, I`m just special!!...No, wait...Maybe I am crazy. One second...I have to talk to myself about this, hold on...
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me more than a week to realize that I`m not at work anymore....
I bet cats are mad they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Admit it, we’ve all hidden our favorite food from the rest of our family.
My son wants to be a shrink when he grows up... Clearly I`ve failed to teach him our family`s place in the psychiatric process...
Every so often you come across a person who always smiles no matter what, that person is the reason why random bitch slaps should be a thing