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wants to remind you this Halloween, that as a general rule, don`t solve riddles that open portals to Hell.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as "that weird thing I did for a while."
I was drivin home tonight and was singin away and seen a tree ahead and swerved to miss it and realized it was my air freshener hangin from my rear view mirror!!!! CLOSE CALL!!!
Never look at your beer as half-empty. Look at it as you’re halfway to your next beer.
Roses are red, violets are blue, If your parents told you you`re beautiful, they`re lyin to you..:D
You know you had a good night when you have to Google map yourself in the morning to find out where the hell you are.
It only takes a second to show someone how you feel. The police call it “Indecent Exposure” but whatever.
I saw a spider in my bathtub. So I took a tissue and very, very carefully, burned the house down.
Life before the internet was awful. Your friend would be wrong about a trivial issue during dinner and you just had to let it go
Not that I expect 100% truth in advertising, but shouldn’t those women in the tampon commercials be wielding chainsaws and burning stuff down, not laughing and dancing?
I used to think drinking was bad until i stopped thinking
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche...
I like when job applications have a “Some College” option so they know I’m an aimless loser.
You’d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrongside-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.