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My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
Sometimes I think if it weren`t for the gutter my mind would be homeless...
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Kohls.
If you don’t count any of my failures, I’m quite successful.
Whoever said “two wrongs don’t make a right” has obviously never experienced McDonalds breakfast after a night of binge drinking.
Like a good neighbor, strip clubs are there
I will pay good money to anyone who can take me from work, make it look like an abduction and tuck me back into bed.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, "When I was your age I didn`t believe in reincarnation either".
Can you imagine if Facebook and Twitter just decided to shut down and you see all these confused people coming out of their house squinting at the sun.
I have read so much about the dangers of drinking and smoking, that i have decided to quit reading
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Laughing is the best medicine. But if you’re laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
What I lack in vocabulary, I make up for in…you know...stuff...and...things...
I went shopping for some camouflage trousers earlier. Couldn’t find a pair anywhere.