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Bored? Update your Facebook to “in a relationship” with someone you’ve never met just to see if they’ll confirm.
If you need help moving I am one hundred percent there for you emotionally.
I miss the days when minding your own business was a thing.
I`m in hospital after eating what i thought was onions instead they were daffodil bulbs. Its ok doctors say i will be out in spring.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Me: Why? What`ve you got?
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better ... Well, for me anyway.
Next time you are in a restaurant, give this a thought. The fork you are using has been in the mouth of hundreds of people. Now look at the people eating right by you. Scary, right?
Christmas is all about getting your entire dysfunctional family under one roof, hoping the cops don`t get called and nobody gets arrested.
Appearing on several episodes of Cops doesn`t make you a TV star.
I really would like to take a yoga class. But I really can`t trust my farts.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Instead of having a child, I intend to spend my life acting like one.
There may be two sides to every story, but you’re still a douche in both of them.
Didn`t have to do much to end my last relationship...she first told me that "opposites attract"...then a couple of days later she told me i was handsome, kind, smart, funny and loving...
I called McDonald`s to make a reservation for Valentine`s Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone.