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If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.
You`re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU`RE RICH
Everyone has a right to their own opinion, no matter how wrong they are. And that`s why we have a problem.
Yes, I dance in my car. Yes, I see you staring at me. No, I do not care.
I just ended a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn`t mine.
This might be my ego talking, but I feel my weight-loss spambot followers care about me. They really, really, do.
There`s 3 ways to get something done: 1. Do it yourself, 2. Hire someone or 3. Forbid your kids to do it.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Relationship status: Are you gonna eat that?
There is no one more trustworthy than Clark Kent`s dry cleaner.
I’m still kind of pissed they never told us how to get to Sesame Street.
People without kids: I`ll never yell at my kids ... People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD, JUST WALK!
What if Justin Bieber is also Miley Cyrus? I mean have you ever seen them in one place at the same time?
Women- God’s version of a Rubik’s cube.