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My wife is so annoying. "Do you think I`m sexy? Am I hot? How gorgeous am I? Do I have a nice ass?" I just want her to answer me.
Is beer cheaper off the kids menu
Whenever I start to hate my job I think about the camera crew who has to follow the Kardashian’s 24/7.
I can sum up my life in three words: “just browsing, thanks.”
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn`t have couches at this Best Buy.
My lucks so bad if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying.
My mom just sent me a friend request on Facebook! Finally I can use that "I`m not your friend I`m your mother" speech to my advantage.
Who picks up a seeing eye dogs poop?
A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you`re hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.
Of course everyone deserves a 2nd chance, but I gave yours to someone else.
I have problems cleaning my house because I get distracted by all the fun things I find.
I’ve finally decided to do something about my weight ... Lie.
Have you ever realized that sleeping is just your eyes staring at your eyelids all night long?
hell yeah !!!! i was the lucky sperm !!!!!