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Ha! Who`s laughing now, f*ckers that took your Christmas lights down last year!
The guy below me obviously doesn`t know that R2-D2 is in movies, not television
I don’t cut in front of people whenever I’m waiting in long line, that’s rude. I just start dancing & grinding on them until they get all weirded out & leave. Works every time.
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
The person that named the eggplant probably isn’t allowed to name things anymore.
My favorite all time cooking shows: 1. Iron Chef 2. Hell`s Kitchen 3. Breaking bad
When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it`s not what you think...
My dog can`t hear me yelling at him to stop chasing squirrels, but he can hear a damn cheese wrapper from 500 miles away
Respect your parents, they pay for your internet.
I have a pornographic memory... Go ahead and get naked, I`ll remember you.
I was going to do stand up comedy years ago but then I thought ...Ugghhh, standing...
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
If couples who are in love are called `love birds.` Then couples who always argue should be called `angry birds.`
"Is everything OK?" "Well, I`ve been kind of down since the divorce..." "I meant with your pasta, sir."