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sometimes i look at people and think really, thats the sperm that won.
Laugh now because when I die, I`m coming back to haunt you.
Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are now officially more embarrassing than Miley Cyrus
Why doesn’t a deli slicer just have a scale on it?
I hate it when people are holding a device capable of using google and they ask me stupid questions.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions Note to self...avoid good intentions at all costs.
Why do people post pictures of missing people on facebook?...like we are going outside.
A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"
My right thumb is in the best shape of my life.
I am now convinced that the homeless people have all of the shopping carts that do not have the wobbly wheels.
If at first you don`t succeed then maybe you just suck.
I told my wife that I have a sexual satisfaction guarantee policy. If you`re not completely satisfied, we`ll just do it all over again. Guaranteed.
It’s funny how “You’re so funny” turns into “You think everything’s a f*cking joke” in just 3 months…
C`mon Netflix, we both know I`m watching the next episode. Just go ahead and start it.
I think some people just log into Facebook just to send me game requests.