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Big shoutout to whoever decided the ? and ! should be next to each other on an iPhone. That typo hasn’t made me look insane 10,000 times.
Friends are like boobs... Some are real some are fake.
"It`s not a pyramid scheme" is a phrase almost exclusively used by people involved in pyramid schemes
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I`m supposed to stop reading the internet.
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders
When I was young I could climb mountains, these days I have to steady myself to fart.
Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
I wish my car was fueled by my lack of desire to go to work.
Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!”
Is Google a boy or a girl? Obviously it`s a girl because it won`t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas
"Hi, I`m here to ruin your life" - Social media
No officer I wasn’t texting, that’s dangerous. I was checking my email.
A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
All these years and I still don`t understand why they didn`t put Kevin Bacon in Grease.