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Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on the internet right now.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 7 am is sexy... Then yeah, I`m your guy.
It’s amazing how much more money I have when I’m drunk.
I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I’ll say next.
If I was a Jedi there is a 100% chance that I would use the Force inappropriately.
Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.
If Monday had a face, I´d punch it.
Nothing says "party" like a red plastic cup.
I`ve said it before and I`ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don`t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
I don’t write children’s books because the last page would always say: "Now shut up and go to sleep."
Guys...dont mess up and buy her the wrong brand of vacuum cleaner for Valentines Day this year. Spend a little extra for a really good one ... Just tring to help.
Be careful when you`re watching a movie with your wife. You`re gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes and sighing heavily and crossing her arms and holding in a fart.
People who get offended on the internet are the same people who take mini golf seriously.
I don`t like people who hate certain group of people. But I get along very well with people who hate everybody equally.