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A person who says they will never lie to you is probably lying already.
I`m a huge fan of screaming "You`re welcome" really loud when people don`t say thank you...
I wish Tony the Tiger would burst into a raisin commercial and yell “They’re graaaapes!”
I put "extremely organized" on my resume and I don`t even remember what folder I saved it in..
The amount of times I`ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
Dang I didn`t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
After 20 yrs of marriage, my best move is to clean something unexpectedly.
In paintball, you should be allowed to use a paintbrush as a knife.
Just wrote ‘You have no new messages’ on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.
I get a real kick out of people who drive a mile in their car to run a mile on a treadmill.
Just one more drink and then I`m outta here" is one of my favorite lies.
The skeletons in your closet are suggesting that you upgrade to a double wide, walk-in.
Just shaved my legs for the first time since October...just kidding, it`s not warm enough for that yet.
I come from a long line of successful people. I have successfully stopped that tradition.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking. Or help them move.